I haven't blogged in a real long time, I haven't got the time or means to. I guess I should start off with a summary of things. I broke up with Aason last year, around June. A few days after I got back from Surabaya. Before the trip I was working at Garena Carnival and I met a really dreamy guy. Sure he's dorky and had a really awkwardly moody smile but he is attractive. He has a smile that's capable of melting even the sun. But we didn't really hit it off till the 12 July 2014, that's when our relationship started. It was rocky and it's still rocky, I had come to love him in million ways I never thought possible. It's been a really long time since someone was able to open my heart up like that, it almost had seemed like he held the key from the very start but was waiting for the right moment to unlock it. I'm grateful for the amounts of time that we've spent together. From the start and possibly to the end, I don't want it to end. I've never loved someone this much in my life. I really wish I knew how to prove it. I just want to be happy with him. I want to go out on dates, talk about meaningless things that don't matter or things that do, either way. But being able to just have a conversation with him, look at him, do things with him, text him, it just really puts and ease on my heart and when we're away, you know normally I'd expect for me to lose it all, all my feelings like it did with my Ex. But it's different, I just dread the days, miss him more, love him more, want to see him more. I've never felt like that. I never wanted to please someone so badly. I wanted a person like that to be my love set partner for life and I don't settle down like that. I'd probably just rush in search for someone better but there is no one better. No one that makes my heart race or pound like he does. I still get butterflies with every kiss or hug he gives me. Every "I love you" that traces off his lips makes me melt. I've never felt that kinda love in my life. I thought it only existed in books. I really want him to love me. The imperfect me that's trying so hard. It's so hard to stop myself from crying. I doubt no one would really understand because a love like this is so rare..
We got into a fight over something stupid. I didn't want him to look at my phone, I had talked to Aletheia and my classmate about gifts that I wanted to make for him. I didn't want him to see. Also because I got confronted by a girl and had my hair pulled. She texted me to apologize but I didn't want him to see. I didn't know how to reply her, nor did I want to talk about it. It's been really moody ever since I've been back to school. I have fun at school but it's stressful actually doing the work. My teachers are nice and all but when we study, we study really hard. My notebook is full of notes like everyone else in my class. I don't really like showing parts of me cause I'm jumbled up and I might not look serious or I might have many personalities as Ray says. I know he's working hard for himself because of how self efficient he wants to be. I respect that a lot. I really love how he is, even when he's angry. He really looks cute when he gives an angry face but it's probably inappropriate for me to say so when he's angry. I'd want to giggle sometimes, looking at him. He gets really cute. I'm just afraid one day someone else would see him the way I do and want him. He's special to me, like no one else ever was.
My thoughts seem to keep racing. "If I leave and give him what he wants, will we get back together in the future? would he still love me till then?" "If I give him all the space he desires, he'll still want me right? would he love me more?" There's still more but It might take up my whole blog trying to type out whats on my mind all the time.
I'm going to see him later, before I head to the polyclinic. The doctor said something about some severe gastric hence the burning and pain. I really should get it checked out, it's been near a month. It's gross but I've been farting and going to the toilet constantly. My pains at like 9/10 now. I hope it subsides tomorrow. I just took some stomach medication and some painkillers. I really need to see him tomorrow. I need to tell him how I feel before it's all gone. I ABSOLUTELY cannot have him leave me. Way way way way too precious. I hope everything goes well.
To the love of my life, Ray Quek Xuan Hao
I love you very very much, much much more than words can describe. I hope we'll be okay.