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| I'll be happier today |
To be honest, it's getting harder and harder to write. The words don't flow out as they used to, it takes way to much to express my thoughts into words. I feel more kept in recently. I've had the awesome support of friends by my side during a dark time like this. I really don't want to hate on Ray to be honest. He has his good points during the times in our relationship. I don't know what I'm missing anymore because it feels like a fog. I just wish he'd made the effort to keep the relationship going. It's bad but during the one of my many break downs, I found myself thinking how I should've just tie him down when I could. Silly, I know. I wish I knew what were in his head so I could accept everything. I really tired, I would say I'm exhausted but I'm really not. I really gave my all and I should be proud I tried. I doubt anyone would do such a thing given the position I was in.
I took an off day to replenish myself. Since October 15, I've done nothing but push myself to the extreme. Kept in emotions, exercising, eating, projects, school, work, internship, friends. To most this probably seem like nothing much but it took a lot of time and effort for me. I'm diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. But somethings are still the same, I pack a my room, still a mess, I eat, I still lose weight, I go to school, I end up taking MC sometimes. Everything's really rushed for me.
I've considered rebounds but I don't think I want to do that to anyone, plus I might run the risk of actually falling in love and breaking my heart again since I fall in love with sincerity so easily. Dating doesn't feel like dating. Dating feels like torture. I feel so bored with dates and I feel really anxious if it goes well. During the span of one month, I've done too much. I fucked myself over, got drunk, got lost, made mistakes, got hurt and probably more I can't even remember. I do all of this to rid of you and yet you're still a ghost. You're always around. I feel like I'd have to get drunk all the time to not care about your ghost.
Read your blog today, it's written a week ago but I just read it today and it was the most fucked up piece of shit I've ever heard. It's really two-faced of you to say you never had love, never had the girl that was willing to "Marry You" but judging from the delusions you're currently living in seems like you really just need to work on yourself. I'm so disappointed in myself to think that I really respected you and looked up to you despite all your flaws. You gave up your diamond for a rock, so don't call me out saying I'm the one who caused all this. Don't even try drowning me in your pool of sorrow you created when all I did was jump in and tried to save you.
You're not worth me.