I'm too scared to even think. I'm afraid of being alone but, I was already alone to begin with. Being with someone who constantly just causes me fear, I tried to hide the fear, tell myself that person just didn't mean it. Maybe he didn't, but for that fact that he still made me fear him. It gives a good enough reason to leave him. I'm stupid, I look for love to hide my pain. I look for love to ease my pain, I look for love for comfort, I look for love for someone to just simply tell me things are okay and hug me to sleep. Simply, I'm afraid, of being alone. Afraid of not being cherished, afraid of pain, afraid of darkness, emptiness, not knowing where I belong.
I lost my boyfriend tonight. It's already 4am and I'm still awake, living in fear. I don't like being scolded, shouted at, hated, shunned. I'll cry when it happens. I was outside, thought I'd get fresh air but I couldn't help it when all I thought about was death. You know, half of my mind was gone, thanks for this aching back I have, this fever thats killing me and this splitting headache thats driving me crazily nuts. I'm tired. So tired. I just wanna leave. Go to somewhere far. Better yet, I rather have no emotions at all. Happiness would all be just like a blank piece of paper. Feeling nothing at all, I'd rather that. I rather that than anything else right now. I'd give my emotions away for anything. Just, let me fade. Let everyone forget me. People are coming and going anyways. It just doesn't matter to them anymore.